R. H. McLean — Who I Am
Like many folks these days, I am getting to an age at which my parent’s generation retired. And, like many folks these days, we do not have enough money for retirement. I am a baby-boomer but unlike most baby-boomers, my Dad was “old” when he was drafted into the Navy during WWII (they called him the “old man”) and even older when he returned; my mother had waited for him so she was older also. So, they had their son late in life and I was an only-child.
I would say that the events that created the major parts to my personality were that my mother had her first heart attack when I was in grade school, my father retired due to heart disease when I was in high school and I lost my only living grandparent when I was in middle school. I became very focused on the transience of life and I knew that I would have no one to fall back on should I fail to make the transition to employment. I had received first place in both Science and Math in a junior high competition and, in my young way, decided that this might be my ticket to a future.
Ultimately, that childish goal was realized, but at a cost. Most nerds focus on technology to show off, ultimately at the expense of learning social skills. I focused on math and science to survive, but also at the cost of growing socially. The health crises of my parents froze the development of my personality and world view to that of a preteen.
I eventually got a full scholarship and graduated with honors, but my first job was made difficult by my preteen world view. Friends helped me find a second job where I flourished, married and had a family. But my parents were now too old to really take care of themselves without a lot of help. As soon as we bought our first house, we were “house poor” but having to travel frequently to support them. When my job relocated, changing houses made us even more “house poor” since our savings had not recovered from the first home purchase. Immediately after the relocation the travel to help my parents became monthly. During the return trip from moving my father to a nursing home, I got my first “visual migraine”; I had to pull over and let my wife drive. I had no pain but my vision turned to geometric shapes. The stress of taking care of my parents was more than a preteen mind could handle. I began to condition my wife and kids that I had the same physiology as my parents and would likely have heart issues at a young age as well. I wanted them to be prepared. I also began to withdraw emotionally.
My mother and father eventually died the same year. My mother made me promise to take care of her older sister, which I did. However, I continued to have to be “the adult” taking care of my elders, which prolonged my lack of emotional and social growth.
After the turn of the millennium, I began to receive an inheritance from my aunt at the same time my employer began significant layoffs and eventually folded. Knowing that I had no experience or knowledge in how to manage the inheritance, I picked up a book I had found at the airport bookstore, “Rich Dad, Poor Dad”. We became engrossed in trying to absorb the tenants Robert Kiyosaki was teaching and even traveled to Arizona to attend his seminars and meet him and Kim personally. But, it proved an impossible task for someone with a preteen world view.
We created a business that ran for about three years. Unfortunately, the only thing that kept the business going was continued capital infusion from the inheritance. When one of the last periodic inheritance payouts was delayed, it took us by surprise and the business we were trying to build collapsed. I began looking for a job. I had to sell my rights to the remainder of the inheritance just to put food on the table. I closed the office by myself and negotiated with the landlord the next day for a lease termination agreement that I could manage. When the negotiation was done, I had no confidence that I would be able to meet the obligations. I still remember the police slowing down as they drove by to consider this man loading desks into a pickup at 9:00 o’clock at night, which amplified the guilt of failure.
The awkward termination of the business left us about a half a million dollars in debt. But, at least the morning routine of getting over the dry heaves before going to the failing business was over. My worst fears had been realized.
I have since been working some wonderful jobs, enjoying the work, my coworkers and my employers. The advanced technology that I had last managed so long ago was reaching market deployment and so happened to be in demand when I began my job search. We had $40 in the bank when I got my first paycheck. Although we consulted with an attorney to file bankruptcy, we were able to limp along without it. In the decade that followed, we paid off most of the debt. Today our only debt is our mortgage.
Since 2015/2016, when we moved to Colorado, I have felt comfortable enough in life to let go of my fear of failure. It has been a new start. My parents have been gone over a quarter century and I have adult kids with their own families. The outdoors here is amazing. I have begun to heal and restart maturing emotionally and socially. I am not the nerd I used to be and have people at work who look up to me as a leader.
But now, there are new storms on the horizon. I am now concerned about my future employ-ability both from a job perspective and a health perspective. As predicted, I had my first heart attack about 6 months ago. The major part of my knowledge and experience is becoming of little value as the industry that has been so good to me for so long is changing. I have evergreen skills but there is a promised layoff coming (announced a year ago). Added to this was the fact that my health crisis cost us a good portion of the little retirement savings we had. Although I am now generally recovered, a recurrence could cost us everything.
I have been seeking a contingency plan: an income that produces recurring income based upon value creation, not an exchange of time for money. I find that several of the “internet business” actually have true value creation and I have been seeking mentors among the many offers out there. There are, of course, many offers that smell like “Get Rich Quick” (GRQ) schemes or worse. However, I have been fortunate to find a few trustworthy individuals out there and have begun to study under them.
Developing the courage to start publishing is an example. It was difficult to do. As I sat down to word-smith this before publishing, I got my first visual migraine since moving to Colorado. But, I followed-through because I truly believe my mentor that it will make me a better person. Of the four folks that I trust to be delivering training as a service (as opposed to a hidden agenda), he alone is set apart because he is working hard to ensure I succeed despite myself. I find his training to be more about personal growth than an internet business.
